Dude:

I really just hate judgmental bitches. Some chick sitting in front of me during Psych class was talking about how her guy friend had no right to feel overwhelmed because he was feeling like his coursework was too much for him and saying how "Man, I'm taking Chem 100A and it's 10 times harder than Chem 6A!" Beezy, yeah, you might be able to do that and maybe that's your forte, but don't judge people for not being able to do it. I'm sure if you showed up to my Latin Ballroom team and tried to learn it, you'd have a pretty damn hard time doing it. But I'm not going to judge you for being a bad person because you can't dance.

Gah, people are just so... Gah.

Why am I not good enough?

My balance apparently sucks. I fell twice today and can't do my tricks for my Las Vegas comp on SATURDAY.
I am always the one planning fun events or watching someone else get the surprise: really cute Prom asking-out, surprise birthday something, romantic dinner for whatever reason. I guess I'm just the kind of person that either doesn't deserve it or something. Or maybe I'm just not a great friend. Which sucks too.

I can't do school and dance and sleep. I can't even do one. I dislike being so stressed out by just 19 units. I hate not being a better follow in general for dance, and being able to explain things.

I hate making so many mistakes, and I just want to feel less angry at the world and at the people living above me. They're STILL awake even now at 3am for NO REASON. They never study, but I'm sure their GPA isn't much different than mine, because that's usually how karma works for me. I work so damn hard and get the same thing as some fucking slacker.

There's more to my anger than just those few things but I don't want to write out all of them.

I'm upset that I twisted my ankle because someone got in my way during practice and fell and got all scratched up this week... and I'm still not getting better.

I want less stress. I want to not have to pay more money on top of the 600$ total I spent on my flute for repairs. I want to be able to sleep in for a day. I want to be able to have a week or two with no school. Just me and my flute, practicing. I want to find THE apartment already. I want to be able to breathe.

I just want to feel appreciated for all this work. I want to be have that feeling of "Wow I was so surprised". I'm so sad.

I have never been so overly critical of myself and everything as much as I have been this past quarter. Every thing, experience, moment has a negative gleam to it for me. Going to dance practice isn't as enjoyable anymore because Ryan has to help me with the intense composition homework I have due every Friday at my 9am class and my schedule this quarter really truly allowed no time to do said homework until after Thursday dance practices at about midnight. 21 units sucks ass and add the fact that I've been sick for the last 3 and a half weeks: I became more behind on work than I ever wanted to be. Composing and learning jazz theory+improv is really hard and impossible to do when you're LITERALLY too sick and tired to get good grades, let alone to be productive and efficient.

He's been so good to me and always tries to help: getting me breakfast weekly when he knows I'm short on time in the morning, staying up with me to help me and correct my homework, and even helping me with my MUS 101 final project.

To repay, I freak him out by having anxiety attacks almost every other week, where I end up sobbing and curled up when the stress is just too much. It's not like I didn't realize this until tonight: I sent an email mid-quarter which was unanswered to this day, to the Counseling Services on-campus to arrange for help and advice. But I've been complaining to him, making him worry that I'm getting too stressed. I end up stressing HIM out and he shouldn't have been: he broke his foot when school started and things like him not being able to get approved for disability transportation (on UC San Diego campus, which sucks because seriously, going to the music building from ERC or Revelle takes a while) and we've been dealing with stress all quarter.

He hates the fact that I want to be good at music and still try and do dance and have leadership. For him, being an amazing musician means sacrificing other ("lesser") interests like being majorly involved in ANYTHING for practice time. And he's right. I know it. I wanted to try, prove people wrong. And I got the flu and an immensely bad Fall quarter.

It's just been a hard quarter, and the timing and how things have panned out just really brings out my flaws. I'm so fucking selfish, to put it clearly. I put my goals in front of everything, even at the expense of the one person I love. I inconvenienced and stressed out my boyfriend who was on crutches for 6 weeks, one of the healthiest, happiest people I know (until this quarter).

I don't know what to do. We had an argument and I automatically ignored all the truth that came out and became defensive. I used manipulative words to make him feel because he wanted to say something that had been bugging him for weeks. And seriously, I feel like the worst person. His phone was off when I called after we fought: I wanted to apologize and I couldn't. I hate knowing that he gets to sleep with a horrible experience like the fight we had on his mind.

I thought about it, and I just feel that he needs someone better, someone less taxing and stressful. Someone better. Way better. And the worst part is, I don't know if I can ever be better.