I have never been so overly critical of myself and everything as much as I have been this past quarter. Every thing, experience, moment has a negative gleam to it for me. Going to dance practice isn't as enjoyable anymore because Ryan has to help me with the intense composition homework I have due every Friday at my 9am class and my schedule this quarter really truly allowed no time to do said homework until after Thursday dance practices at about midnight. 21 units sucks ass and add the fact that I've been sick for the last 3 and a half weeks: I became more behind on work than I ever wanted to be. Composing and learning jazz theory+improv is really hard and impossible to do when you're LITERALLY too sick and tired to get good grades, let alone to be productive and efficient.

He's been so good to me and always tries to help: getting me breakfast weekly when he knows I'm short on time in the morning, staying up with me to help me and correct my homework, and even helping me with my MUS 101 final project.

To repay, I freak him out by having anxiety attacks almost every other week, where I end up sobbing and curled up when the stress is just too much. It's not like I didn't realize this until tonight: I sent an email mid-quarter which was unanswered to this day, to the Counseling Services on-campus to arrange for help and advice. But I've been complaining to him, making him worry that I'm getting too stressed. I end up stressing HIM out and he shouldn't have been: he broke his foot when school started and things like him not being able to get approved for disability transportation (on UC San Diego campus, which sucks because seriously, going to the music building from ERC or Revelle takes a while) and we've been dealing with stress all quarter.

He hates the fact that I want to be good at music and still try and do dance and have leadership. For him, being an amazing musician means sacrificing other ("lesser") interests like being majorly involved in ANYTHING for practice time. And he's right. I know it. I wanted to try, prove people wrong. And I got the flu and an immensely bad Fall quarter.

It's just been a hard quarter, and the timing and how things have panned out just really brings out my flaws. I'm so fucking selfish, to put it clearly. I put my goals in front of everything, even at the expense of the one person I love. I inconvenienced and stressed out my boyfriend who was on crutches for 6 weeks, one of the healthiest, happiest people I know (until this quarter).

I don't know what to do. We had an argument and I automatically ignored all the truth that came out and became defensive. I used manipulative words to make him feel because he wanted to say something that had been bugging him for weeks. And seriously, I feel like the worst person. His phone was off when I called after we fought: I wanted to apologize and I couldn't. I hate knowing that he gets to sleep with a horrible experience like the fight we had on his mind.

I thought about it, and I just feel that he needs someone better, someone less taxing and stressful. Someone better. Way better. And the worst part is, I don't know if I can ever be better.

I'm sure this is a question everyone thinks of. Especially women: we actually explicitly state, "Oh my gawd, I need to have [insert attractive male specimen's name here]'s babies!" Men internalize such thoughts. We all know deep down, you don't want to be banging Miss/Mister Ugly-as-a-Crooked-Doorknob; God forbid you bring an ugly child into this world, or worse, end up marrying him/her. Just kidding. Sort of.

Anyways, here's my list - NOT in any order of preference - of "People I'd Have Babies With", which includes my personal reasoning:

Daniel Henney
Summary: Mama's boy, model / actor, sings decently well, amazing body. I fell in lust watching "Seducing Mr. Perfect"... go figure, right? So hot.
Ethnicity: Korean and White.



James Franco
Summary: Sexy! So sexy! Anything else is sort of secondary. This is seriously the most superficial decision I've made in a while, but it's not his body is actually available as an option for me.
Ethnicity: White



Paul Dateh
Summary: Violinist / singer, cute personality, goes to USC (favorite school!), loyal.
Ethnicity: Asian - not sure.. I'd guess Pilipino (sp?) or maybe Taiwanese .



Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Summary: Actor, the would-be love child of Heath Ledger and movie personality Alfalfa. So cute in Days of Summer!
Ethnicity: White



Ah well, since we've been together for a while, he'll be on the list too..

Ryan Pon
Summary: Musician, devoted, lazy until I ask not to be - and then he's hardworking, cute. Not that good of a singer, with minimal art skills but it's okay. Why? Because I think my genes will suffice and because I'm actually loving this boy.
Ethnicity: Chinese, White.



So, my question to you, friends, is...
who's on your list?

... no it's not "Let it be".

I was talking to Ryan about the animal shelter fees for adoption... because we were talking about maybe getting a puppy/kitty if an off-campus apartment lets us.

Me (3:31:04 PM): adoption fees are hella expensive!
Ry (3:31:28 PM): its cos they dont want you to eat the pet

Thanks, babe...